My name is Jennifer. You can call me Schmidy, Schmidt-E, Jenny, or my favorite, Schmidtler von Beethoven. I am a high school student. I get good grades and take honors and AP classes because I like a challenge. I am the principal violist at my high school and I have been for two straight years. I plan on becoming an orchestra instructor after I graduate from Juilliard. I believe in more than just mediocracy. I love it when people expect me to be the best and I absolutely love being a teacher's pet. I don't plan on being a parent when I am older. I am not a kid person. I don't like the idea of something depending on me to live. My parents are divorced and have been since I was about 3. I dislike my dad's girlfriend and I have disliked most of my mom's boyfriends. I have one younger sister from my dad and his girlfriend and an estranged older brother from my mom and a past boyfriend whom which I don't concider family. Although, I do concider my best friend of almost my whole life to be my sister (Shelby). I love animals, but I don't love living with them. Also, I am an underage, practically gay, left-wing Liberal living in a Right-Wing Conservative state. I am pro-Gay Marriage. I don't care about abortion; I don't condone it but it doesn't affect me so I don't care. I believe in political equality for all.
My Likes and Dislikes
:)- Music, girls, pretty(sexy) panties, chocolate, violas, colorful bracelets, black eyeliner, tight pants, liberal ideologies, non-overzealous conservatives, books and reading, school, chemistry, pizza, the Green Bay Packers and the Detroit Red Wings.
:(- Artificially flavored Grape stuff, boys, overzealous conservatives, Twilight and most things associated with it, the Patriots, the Penguins, baseball, soccer, violinists (most of them), music haters.
For once in a very long while, I have truely felt happy. Not the fake, "giggles-and-smiles-because-of-a-funny-joke" kind of happy. I can smile and really mean it. I feel like I am beginning to surround myself with the people I want to be friends with after high school. Although I am feeling some resentment towards some friends, I am dealing with it and that bit of confidence in myself to do so is contributing to this happiness I am speaking of. But what really is happiness anyway? Is it the feeling in ones gut while around the person whom which she has feelings for? Is it the feeling one gets from performing a difficult piece of music and having a large audience applaud? Or is it the feeling of just being able to sit back and smile without having to think about anything at all? Perhaps it is all of these things or perhaps it could be none at all. But I can tell you one thing that is a fact: I am happy for the first time in years and it is the best feeling in the world.
There are certain events in someone's life in which they are forced to face their demons or their insecurities. Events that make someone do this could be a solo during a performance or simply a presentation for a class. It was reading a blog that really made me think about my demons and insecurities.
I have self-esteem issues. Ever since I was young, I have felt insecure about my appearance. I was never a "girly-girl" so I never wore the pink clothes or the sparkly lip gloss everyother girl wore in my classes. I never did my hair in the mornings like the other girls did. I would wear boy clothes instead of the girl clothes. But when we all came to the stage in life where we began to develop crushes on people, my not-caring-about-what-I-looked-like-stage took effect on my self-esteem. All the girls that wore make-up and girly clothes were getting the boys attention (at the time I am speaking of, I was not out since I was only about 9 or 10 years old). When I entered middle school, it seemed that all the girls around me had boyfriends and had already had their first kiss. I felt so unattractive because I was never asked out. Even though I considered it childish, I secretly wanted someone to come up to me and say (honestly), "Hey. See that guy? He likes you and thinks you're cute." My girl friends were told that a lot. It wasn't until the 8th grade when I dated my best friend that I ever felt attractive in the least. She made me feel attractive. It wasn't because she told me I was pretty or cute; it was because she liked me for who I was. I had convinced myself that I was ugly because no one had ever had a crush on me. I convinced myself that I wasn't attractive enough to date someone. Even to this day, as I am writing this blog, I still feel unattractive because I had convinced myself all those years ago that I was unattractive. I felt most attractive while dating my best friend. Once she had instilled that sense of attractiveness, it spured a growth of confidence. This confidence has taken years to grow to the point where I can say "I am attractive," and not feel like I am lying to myself. This LIE that girls believe, that they are ugly; that they are unattractive; that they aren't good enough looking, is the result of their UGLY society.
I have come to a point in my life where looks is not what fuels my self-esteem anymore. What fuels my self-esteem is my musical talent. I am talented. My music is what makes me confident. My inteligence is another factor in my growing confidence. My complete acceptance of myself as being gay is another factor. This confidence that is being fueled by my music, school and my pride will make me seem attractive to others, but more importantly myself. I, myself, find confident women very attractive. I strive to be like those independent, confident women. They are beautiful and I know eventually I will be a strong, independent, confident, beautiful gay woman.
Well, yesterday was the end of the first quarter of my junior year in high school. I failed English. Yes, it is entirely my fault; however, my teacher did not update any recent grades from the last month which had he would have, my grade would be somewhat higher. Laziness on both our parts is killing me!
Life is not much different since I last wrote. I still have feelings for the same girl. I did, however, tell her that I liked her. She took it in stride and nothing has changed. I take that back; things have gotten better since I told her. I absolutely love being her friend. She makes me feel really good about myself, which is something many of my friends do not do. For once I do not like a girl for her looks alone, but because she is a good friend and treats me well. I think I am beginning to take a positive step in my life.
I had my first orchestra concert this past week. I was not as nervous as I usually am at concerts. I believe it was because it was a small audience since the band did not play. We played very well, except for our shaky start on the first movement of the Bach Brandenburg Concerto No. 3. Our dynamics were wonderful and we played as a whole group, not as individual sections. It was funny actually how we all rushed the Brandenburg Concerto but we rushed at the same tempo! It was really cool. I cannot wait to get our new pieces when I go back to school on Wednesday.
Next Wednesday is the PSAT. This is the year that if I do very well on this test could be a contender for the National Merit Scholarship. I did considerably well on the PSAT last year as a sophomore so I expect excellent scores this year as a junior! Also, in June I am taking the SAT which I also expect excellent test scores. In May I have my three AP exams for US History (which I expect to get a 5), Biology and English Language and Composition.
I feel I must share my experience from yesterday. For my history class, we had the choice of watching the movie Amistad afterschool. I chose to attend not only for the extra credit I would receive for attending, but because the would help with my studies. The movie itself was very good, except for one scene. The scene that I am about to describe is nothing compared to watching the actual atrocities in the movie. Set during the time of slavery, the scene shows how slaves were captured and brought into slavery. Their enemies would capture them and sell them to slave traders. From there the captured Africans were forced onto a slave ship where they would be beaten, whipped and humiliated. Blood was everywhere from the whippings and dead bodies everywhere also. The Africans we laid on top of each other when forced under the deck of the ship. You could see them getting sick over each other and dying one right after the other. A child was taken from its dead young mother by another woman. The next day, while the whipping continued, the woman jumped off the edge of the ship to kill the child in order to save it from a life of misery. After that scene I ran from the room, crying and gagging. I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I could not believe what I had just witnessed. I never want to hear how "horrible" someones day is or how "horrible" their life is. After the movie was over, my history teacher asked us this question: "What would it take for you to take your own childs life in a situation like this?" So I ask you, whom ever is reading this, what would it take for you to take your own child's life?
By far, this weekend has been one of the best weekends I've ever had. Seriously.
Friday: Kisa's party was fucking BOMB. Man I really miss that girl. But her party was super fun. I almost lost my voice from screaming into the Guitar Hero microphone. We'd all sing stupid songs like La Bamba together. Jane was hilarious (as always). I actually got to spend time with Michelle, which was fun. I really need to spend more time with her. I even bonded with my Noobie over text that night, which was pretty fun. ;] At the end of the night, I was so hyper that I was yelling at people through Michelle's Mom's car. It was so awesome.
Saturday: I chilled with my best buddy. At first it seemed that my day was going to suck since Shelby and I got into an argument but we fixed that, cause that's just how tight we are. Then my aunt let us borrow her van, which was super cool of her. We drove to the mall and had some fun there. Again, I was just flirting away with my Noobie over text that night (not that its gonna get anywhere [stupid straight girls]). Then to top it off, U of A won their second game against NAU 34-17! WOO!
Today is not so exciting however. I have tons of homework and it sucks. Ugh.
